All our lives, beginning from a young age, we’re trained to worry about what other people think. In the beginning it starts off as just basic manners: be polite, be considerate of others’ feelings, etc., etc. Then it evolves.

“Boys wear blue; girls wear pink.”

“Boys have short hair; girls have long hair.”

“Don’t wear that, it looks ridiculous.”

“This is what you’re supposed to believe.”

“Boys like girls; girls like boys. That’s the way it is.”

“Tattoos are trashy.”

As we mature, we start basing a lot of our decisions on what others will think. For many of us, it starts with our parents and continues to grow until we care about what everyone else thinks, too.

“I really want to be a/n [alternative career: tattoo artist, musician, artist], but my mom said I should go into law.”

“I want to get a tattoo, but I’m scared of what my parents would think.”

“I love this person, but people will treat me differently if they find out.”

“What if my parents disown me?”

“I really just want to go to the store in my pajamas, but people will look at me weird.”

“What will the people at church think?”

“What will my friends think?”

“I can’t go in public without makeup.”

“I’m a closet smoker.”

“I really like this nerdy thing but can’t talk about it because people will think I’m weird.”

The list is endless.

But what if I told you that it truly does not matter what other people think about how you live your life? What if I told you that they aren’t living your life? You are living your life. You are the one who has to live with yourself and the consequences of your actions. Not your friends; not your coworkers; not society.

I have spent most of my life behaving certain ways around certain people because I was worried about their expectations. I always stressed out over things that seem trivial now. About how my friends went on to get their Masters and PhDs while I raised children and got a mediocre job to pay the bills. At one point I even thought it would be a great idea to rack up tens of thousands of dollars in student debt just so I could prove to the world that I was worth something.

I have hidden certain aspects of my life from a lot of people because I’ve been afraid of what they think. Even now that I know it doesn’t really matter, I still have a hard time being open about some things.

I am not a religious person. But I was raised Roman Catholic and nearly everyone around me is a practicing Christian in some form or another. I spent years being uncomfortable with what I do and don’t believe in because I feared judgement from everyone around me. I feared judgement from my family, my friends’ family, my friends’ friends, my coworkers…

Then, a few of years ago, it finally hit me. How I live does not affect anyone else (outside of my husband and children). How anyone else lives does not affect me. Once I figured that out, it was like walking outside on a clear sunny day after being trapped in a windowless room for years on end.

I learned that every single person has something unique about them that not everyone agrees with, but people still manage to get along and live with one another and be friends.

I also learned that no matter how hard you work, how much you conform, or how many people you try to make happy, someone will always have something critical to say about you. So, which is better: people liking you for who you’re pretending to be, or people disliking you for who you really are?

No matter what you do, there will be people who do and don’t like you. Therefore, you are better off surrounding yourself with people who actually enjoy YOU. If you are surrounded by people who only like the person you’re pretending to be, you will never be happy. You will never be secure with yourself. You will never feel fulfilled.

I am convinced that living this way is a major contributor to the anxiety and depression epidemic that is ravaging the world today. We as a society have become so focused on what we think everyone wants us to be, that we almost never take time to figure out who we actually are or what we actually want. For us. Not because it’s what we think we should want, but because we actually want it.

Far too many people go their entire lives without figuring this out. And it is truly a sad thing to witness.

A major factor is that it is really scary to make this kind of shift. It has taken me years to adjust to the mindset, even after I realized that I can live the way I want and still be okay. Why? Because as soon as you start to find yourself, you begin to lose people. And it hurts. It really, really hurts. But after they’re gone, and after you start to heal, you slowly begin to realize that it’s okay that you’re not in each other’s lives anymore. You just weren’t meant for each other. And in that process of shedding old and toxic relationships, you begin to cultivate new, healthy relationships. Stronger relationships. Relationships that are mutually beneficial, in which all parties learn and grow.

So, the next time you think, “What will they think?” Remind yourself that it doesn’t matter. Instead ask yourself, “Is this something I want to do for me? Do I want to do this because it’s what I think I should do, or do I really want this?”

Love yourself enough to be whatever kind of person you want to be. And remember: you’re only one decision away from a totally different life.